Autumn is the beautiful mask under which winter sneaks into our lives. That mask will be removed tomorrow, and the white monster beneath will be exposed. We'll know its presence as it waits at our windows and silently knocks upon our doors, ready with its icy fingers poised to chill us to the bone.

Most keep Old Man Winter at bay with thick coats, raised thermostats, and hot beverages. Bundled in artificial insulation, people rush to their warmed cars as they leave their heated homes and journey to furnaced shopping malls. Clothes, cars, malls - all of these things cost money. Keeping warm, it turns out, is a very expensive task.

Warmth costs so much, in fact, that one could attend many buffets with the cash they'd otherwise spend on oil and gloves. This winter, therefore, I've decided to do away with heating the air around me and covering myself with extra clothing; instead, I'm going to insulate myself with 100% me-made natural insulation - by Packing it On.

Packing it On is probably healthy and more than likely greener than burning oil (dead dinosaurs), wood (dead trees), or fossil fuels (farts). It's also hella-tastier and super easy to accomplish because you get to do all your favorite things that involve sitting, plus the added bonus of eating whatever you want. I've outlined the steps involved in case you too are interested in taking part in what I have just coined as the Greatest Money Saving Scheme of the Ages: Packing it On.

The Three Easy Steps to Pack it On:

1. A good diet is the first essential step in Packing it On; carbs, fat, and other sloppy/greasy things are all a great starting point. Be sure to keep it up, though - any slippage will only result in a cold, miserable winter. Since I fancy myself a man of taste, I decided to start with a solid helping of butter-fried perogies and onions:

Little envelopes of potato, cheese, and joy - all addressed to my mouth.

2. Sit. That's right! By doing frig all, you'll soon be wondering who the hell turned that damned thermostat up as high as it is, and why the fuck can't we open some windows for once?

3. Test. Not everyone has the same temperature "comfort zone,"  so it's important to gauge how well you're Packing it On. Because some like it warmer than others, it is very important for you to step outside on a frigging cold day and see how warm you feel.

It was still a bit nippy.

If you've reached the point where you've stepped outside in a snow storm, buck naked, and thought "My, what a balmy day," then congratualtions! You've succeeded in Packing it On enough to make it through the winter. In the spring, you'll notice the THOUSANDS of spare dollars sitting in your bank account, just waiting to be used up at your local buffet.

You're welcome.